oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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