I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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