Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I looked at my own cervix.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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