Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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