I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
