just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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