I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
