i need an iv and a liver transplant
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Randomize
