All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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