You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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