I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
