I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
