My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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