Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
