i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
