i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Drunk is a universal language darling
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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