im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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