Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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