if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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