A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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