Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
