I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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