At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
