I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
