I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
