I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
