I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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