i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
