Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
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my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
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Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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