At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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