Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
