last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
