Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
