wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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