Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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