Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
