i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
