The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
