her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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