When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
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Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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