I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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