I looked at my own cervix.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
