he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
