How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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