The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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