He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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