you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
