Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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