if i died would you start the facebook group?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
40s are totally the cure
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
