I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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