hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
