i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
