Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
