you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize