there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
