Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
