I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
im holly from the hills drunk
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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